005 The Identity of Motherhood, DJing with Vibrators and Glowing Makeup Recos
Your bi-weekly source of inspiration as we navigate the journey of motherhood. Think chicken soup for "mommy brain".
We’re on a roll. Both with this Substack—celebrating my fifth post—and with my baby, who has officially started rolling over. Proud mama alert!
I was torn about posting this week because the election result has been all-consuming—hitting that bit harder now I’m a girl-mum to a U.S. citizen. But, like other Substack writers, I’ve decided to press on and keep my views out of this post, as this space isn’t meant to be political. Still, it’s been thought-provoking to reflect on how identity politics shapes voting choices—particularly as a mother and a woman.
On the topic of identity, I had some incredibly inspiring recent conversations with mums and mums-to-be about the new roles we’re all learning to embrace. I’d love to hear more about your experiences, and have included some prompts below.
Thank you for reading, and enjoy!
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The Identity of Motherhood: Part I
The evolving identity of motherhood feels like an enormous topic to tackle in a single post—hence ‘Part I.’ But it’s real, and the pressures around the ‘new you’ carry a lot of weight (no pun intended). Over the past few weeks, I’ve been (over)thinking about the multitude of identities that make me, me.
A mother, a wife, a friend (and now a ‘mom friend’!), a founder, co-worker. Is it fulfilling to be all these things, or sometimes just too much?
How do I keep being everything I was, while embracing everything I’m becoming?
And who am I doing it for? What’s enriching and what’s plain exhausting?
A first-hand example: Last week was Halloween, and I was beyond excited to be asked to DJ the Cake* x Fleur Du Mal in-store party. A huge fan of both brands, I didn’t hesitate before saying yes. I used to DJ and love it, and here I was, still being invited to play—even as a mum.
But as the date got closer, the realities started to creep in. Fleur Du Mal has the most stunning lingerie (truly, some of the best!), but hang on, typically the brand wants me to play in the product. When they asked, another realization set in—do they know I’m post-partum? What photo have they seen of me? Should I mention I’m bigger than before?!
I scrolled through the site and found their shirts, boxes and silk pyjamas, checking the sizing chart and using a tape measure (a metal one I should add, as it was the only one I could find) to check if I’d fit their largest size. Luckily, I was just about there so I requested the clothes and prayed they’d figure out.
When the outfits arrived, I was so pleased. Obsessed with their boxer shorts, mushroom pyjamas, and bullet bodysuit. I was feeling myself, the bodice fit my new boobs and I got my hair done. I unpacked my DJ equipment (which had been stored away to make room for the baby changing table), arranged childcare, and spent the day working on my music. I absolutely loved it and was ready to go.
Then the reality set in: I needed to breastfeed and pump, and I hadn’t given myself enough time. I hadn’t eaten or had coffee. We’d also just got back from London, so I was jet-lagged, and my baby had barely slept the night before. But it was time to go or I’d be late.
After a brief Why am I doing this? (which was inevitable really, when looking back), I powered on. I arrived at the venue, set up in front of the wall of vibrators (!) and started to play. Everyone was so lovely—the teams were amazing, and the party was a lot of fun. I mean, it was Halloween in New York, so everyone who walked in was a 10 out of 10 in catsuits and all sorts.
But anytime I let the thought of Am I the old mum hag on the decks? creep in, I reminded myself to let go and enjoy it.
And I really did. I enjoyed myself, and I’m ready to do it again in a heartbeat.
I could go on, but the point here is that we are inclined to put a crazy amount of pressure on ourselves as mums. And as we try to navigate our new identities, it’s easy to feel lost in all these different versions of ourselves. My message to myself—and anyone who resonates with this—is to go for it, try things out, and then be honest with yourself about what to transition into your new ‘you’.
How have you navigated the shift in your own motherhood identity?
Are there parts of yourself that you’ve found surprising, challenging, or even funny to reconnect with?
*For anyone who is interested! Cake is a members-only shopping community with some of the best brands. I have some invitations if NYC-based readers would like to join!
A Mix of Musings
Getting that glow back with my makeup—I definitely felt the pregnancy glow, but have slowly felt my skin getting more dull as we enter winter. After discovering a new Sephora five minutes from my apartment, avoiding the Soho lines, here are some recommendations:
We should all dance more—I’ve had multiple dance parties with Maelie over the past couple of weeks. I saw something recently that said ‘Dance with others to bond by synchronising your brainwaves to your loved ones’. This week, turn up your favourite songs and get dancing by yourself or with your little ones!
Bizarrely, I keep going for the Macarena, Rather Be by Clean Bandit and Jess Glynne, and Million Dollar Baby by Tommy Richman. I’d LOVE to see your dance videos if you’re open to it!
The Mum community Whatsapp groups—I’m now a part of all sorts of mummy Whatsapp groups: childcare, career, travel/housing, product sharing. There’s a whole world of mums out there looking to help one another, and even though it can seem foreign at first (and sometimes overwhelming)… it’s worth exploring!
If anyone is looking for a specific group, let me know—I’m always happy to try and support.
Mamas’ Milestones
Reanne Mackenzie | 2 Months | Mama of 2
I have 2 “Mama Milestones” this week. I am seven weeks post-partum with my second baby and for the first time, I picked up my two year old from nursery with the baby on my own. Lots of snacks to keep my toddler on her tricycle whilst I had the baby in the carrier, but if felt completely normal to be out and about with the two of them by myself—as opposed to totally overwhelming, which had been my main feeling to date.
Secondly, I did my first “mama fit” class where you can bring your baby and do a proper workout class. It felt amazing to sweat again and to remember what endorphins are! I never did anything like this with my first born (I couldn’t find a studio) but also because I was too nervous she would kick off, nap time would be ruined.Second time round, I realise I am so much more relaxed and happy to go with the flow and do things that make me happy so that my baby is happy. I feel a bit sad for my daughter (and me 2 years ago) that I couldn’t be this version of a mother because it was all so new and unknown and frankly scary. I don’t think I quite realised how much she taught me in terms of how to be a mum and how grateful I am. It means I can now show up as capable and confident for my son. He owes her big time!
Responses to 004 Generational Wisdom
Chloe Strutt | Mother of 1
This reminds me of the best advice I heard to get through the tough times which is to close your eyes and imagine you’re 80 years old and you’ve been allowed to time travel back to this exact moment. You then experience the whole thing differently.
Katie Freedman | 4 Months | Mama of 1
Reading this made me feel emotional. It’s weird reading something that is so true to your life and it really made me laugh that sometimes when I’m like Oof this is so hard — people have been doing this for thousands of years! That really got me through my pregnancy.
Isa del Olmo | Mother of 1
Love this and it reminded me of a book I read called Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
Isa then went on to send me the book in the mail and I’ve started reading it! I was incredibly touched by the gesture and it just reinforces how we can help each others as mothers by sharing resources and leaning on each other. If you’re inspired to do so, send a book to a friend this week!
What do you think? Comment below or email/message me with your musings, and I’d love to feature them if you’re open to it!
That was a huge feeling for me when I took the first pregnancy test & found out I was pregnant. I legit thought all of my dreams / life was over.. music, djing, dance, business. All of it. Now being 2 weeks away from birth I’ve learned it’s quite the opposite, that my identity isn’t “Mom”, it’s not even “Kīah”, I simply AM, just a human, being, LOVE.
I’ve seen some mothers “lose” themselves, but perhaps what truly happens is they find another side of themself that doesn’t need much from this world than her family. At the end of the day, we cannot change our soul vibration, WHO WE ARE AT THE CORE, regardless of the external, and thats relieving.